send my roots rain

it was nice to get away from the bay and think about things separately. think about myself separately. my head feels clearer already.

so far: a beautiful drive down 101, a ridiculous euro trash hostel, a trip to the pound with tony and ebony where i met my new best friend duke, good food and kickin' it with one of the best people i know...jennifer!





also, i'm sad i had to say goodbye to my past life. i'm going to always miss everything, it's a given, it's just how some of us were made- made to always miss and always long for what is far away and out of reach. i hope that someday we'll be better like we always said, it would make me happy to see it. though i know things have changed drastically already between us and inside us.

we're still learning

nobody knows how to treat each other.

how to treat people and how to let people know how they should treat us. we're all in the dark.

but it's still lonely...all this learning...because we have to do it on our own. it's still hard. i'm still learning.

season

everyone we'll ever care for will fall asleep to us.

fuck

what the fuck am i doing?

theres something big missing. some big piece to this venture right now, that i really need.

i keep looking back for help but there is none. no proof that i am capable of moving forward effectively. these walls that i build between me and everyone else are great and getting greater, and they are indiscriminate...

and my hands still have little to offer all of the people i love, tho i want to give. it's my fault for thinking they want it...not everyone wants it. some people want to leave and they do what they want. i think i've forgotten how to do what i want...which is a big problem.

this repeated season is painful.

"i can woo a distant beauty, but hopeless missing always rules me. theres no invincible disguise that lasts all day. painful storms will always come to blur my way."

:)

things still excite me. now, let me tell you what they are.

transitory ("go find your roots")

i spent the last couple of days with a friend who's going to leave the bay. she reminded me that this feeling of floatation, of never really being fully able to identify with any community is always going to be something we must deal with.

when someone stupid told her to "find your roots", she responded with the fact that we were up-rooted long before birth, that our existence is part due to the loss of roots. our parents did all they could to forget where they came from for different reasons (violent pasts, poverty, guilt) and in the process left us as confused creatures.

so now we float, all of us, encountering people who will tokenize, misunderstand, generalize and drown us. never finding people who will know us for the detached wholes that we are. we both shared similar stories of never being properly understood culturally, of having settled for half-truths about ourselves, settled for other peoples' versions of who we are.

my friend is the last installment of a mass exodus from the bay and from my house that started months ago. she made me realized that i'm going to miss living with the detached wholes that i've grown to love this year. with the kids who know they don't belong anywhere, not even the places they were born. kids who can't tell you exactly where they're from when you ask, who's parents forgot themselves, who constantly fluctuate and proudly bend the boarders of our communities in order to live truthfully.

what real people are supposed to act like

my mom asked me to help her out at work because the dudes here treat her like shit. i love her and i hate them so i said sure. she has photobooth on her mac and i get paid!

reasons

i knew that you'd not come back once you left and that's why i stayed silent. i knew i had already lost, long before. i am hurting more than ever, i am losing all of my grounding, my footing and it is becoming more and more visible. i'd rather stay still than really say how painful it is, because i don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing how bad they move me, what they move me to do.

but i am moved. beyond recognition, and through graveyards and old ghosts and things i thought i'd never see again. now i have reminders all over the place of how i've failed.

by blood

i learned how to crawl from you, how to claw and how to run from you. now it's lost and there's nothing we can do, not your blood or your bones could bring me back through. heaven is far off and it's fair to you that i might never get there.

it is probably the burden of the fruit to end ancient calamities and the burden of the branches to watch the fruit rot seedless.

pastlife

"But it's just the way you are you don't have to be afraid
The way you look at the stars and how you think that they were made
The motion will never stop turning the night into the day
You've gone away enough when will you decide to stay"

some pictures by sylvia

"i just wanna know whats on yr mind"

i always wish i were somewhere else. always.

today: i can't see over

i'm discouraged.

i feel like noone shows/gives enough for me to feel anything but apathy. i can't fix anything, i can't take or throw anything away for you. i am not who you think i am(that is: who you'd like me to be, who you've made-up in your head) and most people will and do figure it out...firgure out that i'm a stupid just like the rest.

but it's not fair to make someone live up to expectations you've made up for them in your head. it's not fair to think of someone as exisiting only for you...

i'm just another person to add to a list of people who exist for you.
i'm just another excuse.
i'm too convient.
i'm too willing.
i'm so emptied.
i'm so replacable.
i'm nothing special. nothing you haven't seen before.
and i'm definitely not enough to make anyone stay or stick around.

does it make sense? who cares...

the walls i greet

i feel like no matter where i turn i'm met with an obsticle.

i wish i could see the light at the end of the tunnel but all i see is a bunch of black. for now i'm ok with things being big 'up-in-the-air's and being mysteries, but i'm not ok with the all the weight. i think i might be breaking. i can't tell because i'm always under all of it, i'm always carrying all of it.

i guess we'll see what the damage is once all the weight lifts.

education

janitor

everything is stressful and everyone feels destructive/destroyed. i feel spent. i know i can't keep picking up pieces to shit that's not mine. it's a bad habit from way back before i even knew what shit was. now i think some people just expect it outta me. it makes me tired.

it doesn't have to be so complicated, it's really simple. at least most of it seems that way from where i am. i cannot be left with a mess (literally or figuratively) everytime someone decides to leave my life or that it's too much for them. it's gonna break me.

sammie's birthday card

carissa and i are headed down to san jose to rage for sammie's b-day...


she just moved into our house and has colonized my bed in the name of all that is gay. it's cool as long as she keeps making me laugh hysterically, which she's good at...



my job search is looking up, so i'm not as stressed about much 'cept for house stuff.

but yay for b-days!

no such thing as hearts

it's such a weird time. i'm excited tho. i've made a decision to not say any 'goodbyes' because i wouldn't mean them if i said them.

oh and also....

i think i do believe in hearts and that they're beneficial. which is a good thing because for a second there i had my doubts.


i'm most looking forward to tour in novemeber and my new jobs that'll help me get there. sourpatch supremacy.

bullshit

fuck yr queer superiority. 

it makes me so disgusted to be told that i'm not conducting my life as i should, that my identity is in question because yr 'hurt'.

and it makes me even more disgusted to know this is the last impression i will have of you. 

it was such a mistake and a waste of time to be sad about this. 

can't let go

jennifer and i have been listening to the same song on repeat for the past two days. the only times i turn on another song is just to make it look like i haven't been listening to the same song for two whole days.

when i was a little kid i'd have no problem with watching the same movie eighty times in a row or playing the same game for hours.

i think it's more about the company anyway.

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i want to be able to make people happy but i feel like such a fucking failure. i have nothing together in my life, and i'll pobably always feel like i have nothing to offer. not even good advice. i know that things have to change and people eventually have to leave but i just think it's happened a little before i was ready for it, and in a way i wasn't expecting. it's just a lot all at once and i'm getting less and less time to dust off as i grow up. i guess.

"i do understand, it just makes me sad."


haha booohooo.

tear up my house

someone should put me in their luggage and take me with them. i really don't care where we go.

secret blog

debrafer is mad cause she can't find it. ahahahahaha!

when all that magic is gone

today was fun. we went to the mall to try on hair extensions and mess up all the store displays. i felt bad about some things that have been going on but not that bad. 

jennifer felt sick, but it only lasted for a little while and then it was back to the hatin' game with us.

carissa acted like herself.

dispite the looming trageties that some of us may have to face/have already faced we were all really happy to be kickin it with eachother.

and we all agreed that sylvia makes the best miley cyrus.

i'm excited about some new things ahead, though i'm sad that the only reasons why i stay in this city are all moving away...i told everyone that i probably wont laugh/smile for a while after they all leave. and even if it isn't entirely true, it's kinda how i feel.

there there

it's not that i can't sleep alone, i'm good at/familiar with it. its just that it hasn't happened for me yet. every bed and couch is owned and occupied and i just end up feeling like a visitor no matter where i am, even my own room...ESPECIALLY my own room. i feel like i can't stay too long in any one space for fear of the inevitable realization that it isn't mine, that i must wake up and go. even if the space is exactly where i want to be. 

i wish that i could be somewhere that wouldn't require me to be something to somebody. a neutral space...though i know there is probably no such thing. i will always be that friend passing thru, enemy to avoid, ex-roomate, ex-lover, current lover, available warm body to sleep next to. and there will always be words and words to add to these relationships and things to say about them. i will never feel unclaimed, un-assumed or not expected to live up to some sort of expectation. 

at least we know we tried.

i remember a time when it wasn't hard, when it was easy just to be around and feel good about it. now i feel like if i don't keep going i'm just going backwards. i think you feel the same.  

it's hard letting go of something you've gotten so used to, so comfortable with that you forget to appreciate being in the same city and being close. but that's just what it is...and i definitely don't want it that way.

this has left us craving our own, separate spaces and experiences.  

i hope the south pacific is as i always knew it would be. i hope it's good to you in ways i can't be anymore.  

"home is in the heart"

was there something i missed?

every time i think i'm doing something right, i encounter something that makes me feel like maybe i'm not. 

like maybe i'm hurting someone i love by doing something i really want to do. 

but then i feel that this way of thinking has stopped me from so many good things before and i don't want it to always be that way. 

love me til my heart stops

fran, carissa, matt, gabe and zach came up to rage with us.

everyone shared

sylvia danced for a creepo.

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this past month or so has been my half assed attempt at:

a. trying to undo any circles my parents may have set me spinning in

b. believing that it's ok to be as useless as i am

c. aloneness/being ok with loneliness

d. shedding myself of any unnecessary obligations/responsibilities that aren't mine

e. realizing that visibility (in most ways) is a luxury.  

f. realizing that even the infallible hearts will change

young cub and her wilderness

no matter what i've said about

this past year.

i'm pretty sure it needed to happen.