there there

it's not that i can't sleep alone, i'm good at/familiar with it. its just that it hasn't happened for me yet. every bed and couch is owned and occupied and i just end up feeling like a visitor no matter where i am, even my own room...ESPECIALLY my own room. i feel like i can't stay too long in any one space for fear of the inevitable realization that it isn't mine, that i must wake up and go. even if the space is exactly where i want to be. 

i wish that i could be somewhere that wouldn't require me to be something to somebody. a neutral space...though i know there is probably no such thing. i will always be that friend passing thru, enemy to avoid, ex-roomate, ex-lover, current lover, available warm body to sleep next to. and there will always be words and words to add to these relationships and things to say about them. i will never feel unclaimed, un-assumed or not expected to live up to some sort of expectation.