fuck

what the fuck am i doing?

theres something big missing. some big piece to this venture right now, that i really need.

i keep looking back for help but there is none. no proof that i am capable of moving forward effectively. these walls that i build between me and everyone else are great and getting greater, and they are indiscriminate...

and my hands still have little to offer all of the people i love, tho i want to give. it's my fault for thinking they want it...not everyone wants it. some people want to leave and they do what they want. i think i've forgotten how to do what i want...which is a big problem.

this repeated season is painful.

"i can woo a distant beauty, but hopeless missing always rules me. theres no invincible disguise that lasts all day. painful storms will always come to blur my way."