Please stop

When yr dumb you give me a headache

I loved you then as I love you still

I think Fred Perry design now is pretty boring.

Headache

In my most complete dream I would have the answer you want to hear. I could make something you'd know you would want so that when you are asked you can know, with certainty, that this is what you want.

But the curse is this: you will never know what you want. You will wander forever with why. You will always want to do and undo and redo inside yr head and never once will you look up at me and read me clearly. Never once will you want something if it isn't for you

anatomy of aspiration

Yes I'll keep you just to throw myself away

miss Christine

Standing still feels just like going backwards to me.

:)

among other things

today you'll find me answering phones at the scaffold works inc., among other things.






i will pay close attention to where i can afford to be generous and where i let others take too much. this is my responsibility. sometimes i cannot tell the differences between reasons why people chose to spend time on me. i know it's all for different reasons.

i can't help but always worry that something about me will push everyone away...this mysterious flaw that i haven't figured out.

i am running out of so many things but i am so hopeful for the future. everything is ok. better even.

fashioned out of brand new strife

moving back to san jose with weird ideas.

i haven't even fully moved out yet and already: my mom's been taken to the hospital twice and went to a ridiculous court hearing, i've had prospects of starting a business, ideas of going back to school, another arguous job hunt, a day long hospital visit.

today my brain is empty, i went to court with my mom, cleaned her house and walked her dogs. i try not to focus on the way things could be better, i try to focus on working towards the better.

it's hard when my efforts are combated by more drinking and smoking and destruction, especially when i haven't fully arrived yet.

this is gonna be hard.

cute!

swallow

i want to stop feeling like everything is falling apart, i'm tired of it

the sky will open and i will fall right thru

within

there is something so big
this thing cannot move
will swallow me
up

and

down
so very deep
from blood to blood
it is something so old.

and so encoded within

and so hard to open

an unnumbered mystery

off the grid.

i want everything i want now

my brain is completely overloaded, it wont let go. everything just stays in it.

friday, i am so very glad to see you

paloma is going to be one year old in a week! i can't believe it, she was a little blob when i started working for the Innes'...now she's going to be a little girl and i got to see it all! i feel so privileged ( as corny as it sounds).

i worked 50+ hrs this week! i'm so excited for my pay...i spent all my computer savings on the tour van for sourpatch's "west coastuur" a few weeks ago but i'm on my way to saving more...woooooooohooooooo!



yesterday afternoon i came home to smoke billowing out of our house...

i parked a little down the street and was collecting some posters i made for try the pie shows and other stuff out of my car when i found mandi's debt card and rachel's tights in my car. i proceeded to call rachel and tell her. when she answered the phone i noticed that sarah (our newest housie) came running outside the house with meatloaf (her dog friend). at first i thought nothing until i noticed smoke and then noticed her frantically trying to get neighbor's attention. all i could say when rachel answered her phone was "my room's on fire...". she was very confused and then i said "shit..." and told her i'd call her back. haha.

i ran to see what was going on.

i noticed theo was calling 911 already so i ran into the house after sarah and asked her. everyone was really frantic so i stayed calm and made sure everyone was ok. she told me it was fet's room downstairs so i ran out the back and down to the back patio. he was trying to put the fire out with buckets and trash cans full of water. i ran in not thinking and realized it was way worse than i thought. none of us really should have been going back in there. i told them we should probably stop going in and the fire people showed up in their fire people gear.

all the while i called jackie (go-between landlord) and told him what was up. he was very little help so i hung up on him haha.

when the fire first started, sarah went to ask the Filipino lady next door for help and she just yelled at us for "smoking in the house" (?) and the people who live in the rooms there just closed the windows when sarah and fetish yelled for help (haha) i know i shouldn't laugh but it's just too ridiculous to me.

that lady hates us for no reason and i think was very upset that the house didn't burn down or that noone was hurt. she doesn't worry me at all but theo hates her guts. i just know theres little you can do about a very angry, old, brown woman who hates you except to just let her talk herself tired.

we're gonna clean and make repairs. orson knows a butchie named barbie who'll help us with drywalling in exchange for housing :). jackie says he has a "windows friend" who'll help us out for cheap too. i called him back after everything calmed down, i told him fetish lit a candle that accidentally started the fire and he said "oh.. that guy....jeeez" and then laughed....hahaha. he didn't care.

i'm very happy we can stay even though we almost burned the house down

i'm gonna buy extinguishers and more smoke alarms today, maybe even come up with a lil emergency plan because we have too many people in that house not to have a plan at all.

i'm glad it's the weekend, this weeks been interestingly exhausting.

vulnerabilities

i'm tired of playing weak to yr strong. i need to be stronger.

i'm starting to fall to pieces. i'm searching for support but not sure if i take too much. some people seem indifferent.

i'm doing the best i can on my own to make it better, i'm getting rid of things i don't need and keeping the important things. a lot of things will be cut, it will be hard but feel good once i've finished.

as the wind

big plans scare me but i'll get thru this

all crushed out on the way you are

so much gets lost in translation. so much about the way that i really feel.

i wish i could just rip everything wide open and let it show.

Auguste Comte

this man introduced an idea very old to the world but still very new to our brains. it deals with a behaviour in an individual that increases the fitness of another while decreasing their own fitness. (altruism) when i talk about "fitness" i mean in evolutionary terms.

altruism is simply self-sacrifice for the well-being of the whole, of another or even of an individual from another species. it accrues all the time in nature. like, for example, when an individual bee stings a predator for the sake of the whole hive. the bee dies, the hive is spared. we realise that this behavior is against all that has kept the bee alive and thriving up until this point but that this behavior is also innate. and completely selfless.

there is a movement to overcome individual fitness and focus on a higher well-being that has lasted as long as the world has supported life. and, i believe, it requires almost less over-all effort to achieve. most would disagree with me and here is why:

it is so easy to be selfish because some believe that selfishness is the only and/or best means of survival. however, selflessness has lasted in evolution just as long (if not longer) than selfishness. understand?

this idea means that selfishness is not the only human function of survival. it means that we cannot use human nature as an excuse for being shitty people anymore. conversely, it can explain why we may think people are being shitty to us.

if you think of these social constructions as purely evolutionary and not just humane tactics, than there are real reasons for why people act the ways that they do. if yr smart enough to understand that the realms of which we base our interactions upon are much, much broader than we ever thought...than, you can understand that morality and evolution (in a sense) can and do go hand in hand. there is less of a disconnect.

big bad beautiful you

when i was eighteen and very confused, i fell in love while listening to the clueless soundtrack; hearing my friend sing just like matt caterer. she could sing exactly like anyone she wanted, it always amazed me and made me laugh so hard. summertime was all about hopeless pop songs and ruining perfectly good friendships.

and now that i'm twenty-two, i'm pretty sure it's still about that.








we listened to these songs on the way back from a show last month while i drove her car in the completely wrong direction than home. it's rare that we get to do that anymore, but there's always an understanding when we do. we can talk through songs.

some things make me believe that i'll never become jaded, like the way i'll always be hopelessly in love with everyone. i'd rather have every single thing hurt me forever than pretend like i'm better than pain, or pretend like i don't have feelings at all. it doesn't make you anymore grown-up or stronger.

beautiful people

british television can often times be life changing...

take care

last night i went to bed to the sound of nina simone floating through my bedroom wall, an incoherent argument of a hoeish nature outside my window and habebe knocking angrily at my bedroom door. it's not that i didn't want to hangout with her, it's just that i know if i had opened the door she wouldn't have be able to decided to stay or leave. i was already half passed out. there are those rare times that i have no energy for indecisiveness, especially if it belongs to other people. it was so early, i was sleepy and i wished there was someone to sleep next to.

i have really bad nightmares every night now, some i remember but most i don't. last night's dreams were so bad that they woke me up three times. i tried to call people i knew might be up or might pick up but no one did. i'm kind of glad because i wouldn't have known how to explain myself. it's something i'm bad at.

i have a lot of things to take care of today but i don't want to do any of them. sometimes i wish someone could take care of me, like really just take care. it's not that i'm falling apart or that i ever have fallen apart to the point incapacitation, but it'd be nice to have help. i'm overwlemed.

after all

maybe we revisit things until we get them right. and hurting serves as learning.

but i don't really want to go through it again and i think it's unnecessary. i did it once and i know the landscape. i don't need to go it again to learn, i know enough. i know too much.

and i don't want to play these games, they aren't interesting.

put me back into the water

i want to go away




i hate the way i see people treat other people around me, it's so backwards. you don't have to hurt people for self-preservation, it's a lie. you don't have to make people feel less than you because you're afraid them.

it's ok to be kind.

we'll find our lives are kinder without complications

today is windy up in the tower-house i work in. paloma's new name is rapunzel and even though she only has pixie hair, i still find the name fitting.

i just realized that i'm contributing to the sterile raising of a child who's contact is isolated to just three people (adults at that). everything she comes into contact with is completely germ-free. it's not right but it's also not for me to decide. i wish she could have more baby friends but this city is isolating, even to the tiniest of it's residents...







i've been listening to "the river" non-stop for the past couple of days. jeez, it's so well-written.



"and you don't want to hurt me,
but you don't want to need me.
so, how can you recieve me?"

sometimes wants turn into needs

i think i want a rabbit. i'd appriciate it for what it was, not what it was in relation to me. i'd never take it for granted.

me

i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat i'm a doormat

taken and found

sadie's vagina

the summer before i moved to san francisco i used to help out at my mom's vintage clothing store, sadie's vintage. a lot happened there, i kinda forgot because my move was so abrupt and impulsive, it was a really warm place to be.

in it's time we had some shows, impromptu parties, hangouts, sadie's prom, and dress up days. fran helped out, dressed up and had sex on the couch in the back a lot. i napped and flirted and dressed up a lot. i spent a lot of hot, airconditionless day there. the location was bad so eventually it failed, but it was so nice while it lasted.

i was looking at the old myspace and found some pictures. here are some ads we (i) made for the store...all of which were pretty much vitoed out of paper manifestation by everyone else but me. no one got them.

i'm in love

golly

get better

healthier alternatives

i'm pretty sure there was a time when i liked myself. i don't remember being this concerned with the way i look. i wonder what happened?




on a different topic, paloma has declared war on the house cat, romeo. i told her it was probably a bad idea, that in order to navigate appropriately through healthy progress and growth we must keep all relations peaceful. she didn't listen.



i've decided to declare neutrality.

the lucksmiths got it

careful careful

something

very


big


is



missing


today.

where the winds are heavy

i want to be in a folk band

interesting looking black people

someone told me: "tongans are like interesting looking black people"

hmm...

ordinary things

this happens to be exactly how i start my day too...

sweet to me

overcoming fitness

somedays i feel more obliged than others, thats just how i am made. i feel constraints beyond my means and i see no part of the immideate that can service my ability to always be unrelatable.

somedays i feel more starry, more dizzy, more like i did the first time i met everbody. i can't ever discribe what goes on inside my heart but i know it's a good thing, usually.

the shoe fitting is not the case, and i never want it to be the case. i know what i want and when i want it, i trust myself enough to know how to react now, to know that there is nothing in my make-up that dictates my ability to "relate". i can do whatever i like and it's not my problem who "gets me" and who doesn't, who's "figured me out" and who hasn't.

for a while i was looking for a place to fit and to stay forever. i'm not anymore. it's a lie, it doesn't exist.

now i know.

i cannot make my home out of another turtle's shell.

coooool-uh

i quit coffee

but only for a little while. also, i'm working out so that i can feel more like a beefcake and less like a cupcake. i hope it works!

i've been hiking, running(ahhh!!), doing yoga, palates and working out with this guy's videos...



meet mitch gaylord. he's an olympic gold metal gymnist and an inspiration to fat asses like me. and i'm pretty sure he's been in soft-core movies too...the family i work for has his dvd and i've been working out while the baby's fast asleep...she'd probably be disappointed if she knew what i was doing while she slept. so would most of my friends. whatever.


also, i've been in love with kate bush since before i fogot i wasn't a boy. she's wonderful. paloma and i have been listening to her all day long. i don't know if she's really that into it, but i don't care...what does she know.

beat red

it took me a whole day to make, sitting in my room listening to a valentine's day mix. i stuffed it with old t-shirts and it wasn't quite anatomically correct but i'm sure my heart looks similar. the picture was taken at lost weekend before they decided to take out their photobooth. i miss that photobooth and the things that happened in it.

i wish i had put a locator chip in that heart.

listen

i forgot about this song until rich played it on the way to portland a while back.

nothing goes away the way we want it to.

AND i get paid

paloma's been singing to me all day today, she has the prettiest voice ever. i think she's making up for all the singing i've done for her since we've met. we take turns singing to each other now. she's growing so fast.

we like to laugh at each other and make fun of romeo (the house cat). he likes to look at us disapprovingly when we're playing and paloma yells at him. she doesn't like that he thinks he's better than us.



now she has the hiccups.

sloppy

last night was so weird.

i went to a dance party at farley's (?) that this kid bert told me about and there were a bunch of old people dancing like toddlers. carissa came with me and pretended to be my boyfriend because it was fun. she kept calling me 'babe' and stuff.

it was weird being in potrero hill. i never really noticed until going back to farley's. so many things happened in that neighborhood that wont ever happen again. no more house coffee outtings, no more working for the hughes, no more meeting up after work, no more stealing lunch from whole foods (well i'm not so sure), no more walks up and down the hills with the monsterous twinnie stroller (thank god), or looking out the third story at night and seeing downtown lit up all crazy. it's a strange feeling.

bert let me wear a green sequence hat with the letters "A K A" on it because i told him i wasn't wearing anything green (i didn't care). i told him the hat probably wouldn't fit my head but he put it on anyway. ashley wanted to meet up in the castro so we did that after.

i've realized that all the girls who go to various "lady's nights" around san francisco are all weird drunk girls. they're funny to watch but "lady's night" is just too annoying for me to deal with. and i know i'm stupid for even going out.

ashley made her friend cry for a reason i'm still not sure of, they made out on the dance floor and then there were tears. i don't unstand it, everytime i'm around a lesbian there are always tears! a boy told me i should have pointy ears because i look like an elf and a girl asked for my number and kept touching my thighs and up my skirt :( and carissa cried on the way home (also for a reason i'm not sure of).

i got to bed a 2am, carissa jumped into bed with me and the last two things i heard before i passed out was sobbing and billie holiday on my record player... and then i had to wake up at 5:30 for work. moral of the story is i'm tired...

heroine forever

i'm not quite sure how someone could be so amazing

oh my gosh you feel so many things but who's ever gonna know if you can't show it, christine

i've been thinking a lot about living by myself.

i'd probably have to move to another city to do that though. somewhere much cheaper. i like living with a lot of people becaus etheres always someone around but someday, i'd love to live with just myself, and maybe a good pet or one other close person (but i think i'd have to work up to that when i learn how to take care of myself better).

i feel like these songs aren't sounding right and it's frustrating. i listened to the collection i made last summer and i cringed. why doesn't anyone tell me i suck...

i'm in hermit mode and i just wanna work, record, go to shows and mostly be by myself. when this happens i kind of forget how to talk to people. i don't really wanna go to bars, parties, and large gatherings (most of the time). i don't wanna talk on the phone, catch-up, talk things out. i don't wanna spend energy mending broken things or faining introductions. i just want to work until it's done but i'm going at a snails pace and it's so hard to be ok with it.

so, hopefully i'll have kept my friends when i decide to be normally social again.

confusion is nothing new

can't tell you how much i miss summer. i feel her approaching. i'm glad she's coming back.

oh well

i can't tell if my patience is waning or if it's completely gone.i thought it was infinite but it's not and it's struggling.

i just have to realize that i can't make everyone happy all the time...sometimes people want what you don't have. most of the time people want what you don't have.

no more compliance. no more appeasement. no more sadness. no more worrying.

no more back-n-forth to san jose. i'm tired of it. my cars totally busted. i guess it's tired of it too.

made me crazy

just keep occupied

i'm at work, the kid is asleep. its raining so hard outside. torrential proportions.

yesterday i asked carissa if she was noah because she wants to own a ranch in texas with two of each animal. she said no.

we've been trying to one-up one another with disgusting texts. i like this game.

some examples:
"twitter my tart taint"-carissa
"dick my right ovary"-me

we've been very imaginative with our approaches.

ima drive down for sourpatch practice tonight. then aunt charlies maybe.

i feel a hibernation coming soon. i want to hide.

the way home always is the same

i had a crush on my biology teacher in high school. she looked just like emiliana torrini. i made her food once...well it was for a project but whatever. she took a leave to get married and have a baby. double whatever.

losing race

i will always feel inadequate.