can't let go

jennifer and i have been listening to the same song on repeat for the past two days. the only times i turn on another song is just to make it look like i haven't been listening to the same song for two whole days.

when i was a little kid i'd have no problem with watching the same movie eighty times in a row or playing the same game for hours.

i think it's more about the company anyway.

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i want to be able to make people happy but i feel like such a fucking failure. i have nothing together in my life, and i'll pobably always feel like i have nothing to offer. not even good advice. i know that things have to change and people eventually have to leave but i just think it's happened a little before i was ready for it, and in a way i wasn't expecting. it's just a lot all at once and i'm getting less and less time to dust off as i grow up. i guess.

"i do understand, it just makes me sad."


haha booohooo.

tear up my house

someone should put me in their luggage and take me with them. i really don't care where we go.

secret blog

debrafer is mad cause she can't find it. ahahahahaha!

when all that magic is gone

today was fun. we went to the mall to try on hair extensions and mess up all the store displays. i felt bad about some things that have been going on but not that bad. 

jennifer felt sick, but it only lasted for a little while and then it was back to the hatin' game with us.

carissa acted like herself.

dispite the looming trageties that some of us may have to face/have already faced we were all really happy to be kickin it with eachother.

and we all agreed that sylvia makes the best miley cyrus.

i'm excited about some new things ahead, though i'm sad that the only reasons why i stay in this city are all moving away...i told everyone that i probably wont laugh/smile for a while after they all leave. and even if it isn't entirely true, it's kinda how i feel.

there there

it's not that i can't sleep alone, i'm good at/familiar with it. its just that it hasn't happened for me yet. every bed and couch is owned and occupied and i just end up feeling like a visitor no matter where i am, even my own room...ESPECIALLY my own room. i feel like i can't stay too long in any one space for fear of the inevitable realization that it isn't mine, that i must wake up and go. even if the space is exactly where i want to be. 

i wish that i could be somewhere that wouldn't require me to be something to somebody. a neutral space...though i know there is probably no such thing. i will always be that friend passing thru, enemy to avoid, ex-roomate, ex-lover, current lover, available warm body to sleep next to. and there will always be words and words to add to these relationships and things to say about them. i will never feel unclaimed, un-assumed or not expected to live up to some sort of expectation. 

at least we know we tried.

i remember a time when it wasn't hard, when it was easy just to be around and feel good about it. now i feel like if i don't keep going i'm just going backwards. i think you feel the same.  

it's hard letting go of something you've gotten so used to, so comfortable with that you forget to appreciate being in the same city and being close. but that's just what it is...and i definitely don't want it that way.

this has left us craving our own, separate spaces and experiences.  

i hope the south pacific is as i always knew it would be. i hope it's good to you in ways i can't be anymore.  

"home is in the heart"

was there something i missed?

every time i think i'm doing something right, i encounter something that makes me feel like maybe i'm not. 

like maybe i'm hurting someone i love by doing something i really want to do. 

but then i feel that this way of thinking has stopped me from so many good things before and i don't want it to always be that way.