i quit coffee

but only for a little while. also, i'm working out so that i can feel more like a beefcake and less like a cupcake. i hope it works!

i've been hiking, running(ahhh!!), doing yoga, palates and working out with this guy's videos...



meet mitch gaylord. he's an olympic gold metal gymnist and an inspiration to fat asses like me. and i'm pretty sure he's been in soft-core movies too...the family i work for has his dvd and i've been working out while the baby's fast asleep...she'd probably be disappointed if she knew what i was doing while she slept. so would most of my friends. whatever.


also, i've been in love with kate bush since before i fogot i wasn't a boy. she's wonderful. paloma and i have been listening to her all day long. i don't know if she's really that into it, but i don't care...what does she know.

beat red

it took me a whole day to make, sitting in my room listening to a valentine's day mix. i stuffed it with old t-shirts and it wasn't quite anatomically correct but i'm sure my heart looks similar. the picture was taken at lost weekend before they decided to take out their photobooth. i miss that photobooth and the things that happened in it.

i wish i had put a locator chip in that heart.

listen

i forgot about this song until rich played it on the way to portland a while back.

nothing goes away the way we want it to.

AND i get paid

paloma's been singing to me all day today, she has the prettiest voice ever. i think she's making up for all the singing i've done for her since we've met. we take turns singing to each other now. she's growing so fast.

we like to laugh at each other and make fun of romeo (the house cat). he likes to look at us disapprovingly when we're playing and paloma yells at him. she doesn't like that he thinks he's better than us.



now she has the hiccups.

sloppy

last night was so weird.

i went to a dance party at farley's (?) that this kid bert told me about and there were a bunch of old people dancing like toddlers. carissa came with me and pretended to be my boyfriend because it was fun. she kept calling me 'babe' and stuff.

it was weird being in potrero hill. i never really noticed until going back to farley's. so many things happened in that neighborhood that wont ever happen again. no more house coffee outtings, no more working for the hughes, no more meeting up after work, no more stealing lunch from whole foods (well i'm not so sure), no more walks up and down the hills with the monsterous twinnie stroller (thank god), or looking out the third story at night and seeing downtown lit up all crazy. it's a strange feeling.

bert let me wear a green sequence hat with the letters "A K A" on it because i told him i wasn't wearing anything green (i didn't care). i told him the hat probably wouldn't fit my head but he put it on anyway. ashley wanted to meet up in the castro so we did that after.

i've realized that all the girls who go to various "lady's nights" around san francisco are all weird drunk girls. they're funny to watch but "lady's night" is just too annoying for me to deal with. and i know i'm stupid for even going out.

ashley made her friend cry for a reason i'm still not sure of, they made out on the dance floor and then there were tears. i don't unstand it, everytime i'm around a lesbian there are always tears! a boy told me i should have pointy ears because i look like an elf and a girl asked for my number and kept touching my thighs and up my skirt :( and carissa cried on the way home (also for a reason i'm not sure of).

i got to bed a 2am, carissa jumped into bed with me and the last two things i heard before i passed out was sobbing and billie holiday on my record player... and then i had to wake up at 5:30 for work. moral of the story is i'm tired...

heroine forever

i'm not quite sure how someone could be so amazing

oh my gosh you feel so many things but who's ever gonna know if you can't show it, christine

i've been thinking a lot about living by myself.

i'd probably have to move to another city to do that though. somewhere much cheaper. i like living with a lot of people becaus etheres always someone around but someday, i'd love to live with just myself, and maybe a good pet or one other close person (but i think i'd have to work up to that when i learn how to take care of myself better).

i feel like these songs aren't sounding right and it's frustrating. i listened to the collection i made last summer and i cringed. why doesn't anyone tell me i suck...

i'm in hermit mode and i just wanna work, record, go to shows and mostly be by myself. when this happens i kind of forget how to talk to people. i don't really wanna go to bars, parties, and large gatherings (most of the time). i don't wanna talk on the phone, catch-up, talk things out. i don't wanna spend energy mending broken things or faining introductions. i just want to work until it's done but i'm going at a snails pace and it's so hard to be ok with it.

so, hopefully i'll have kept my friends when i decide to be normally social again.

confusion is nothing new

can't tell you how much i miss summer. i feel her approaching. i'm glad she's coming back.

oh well

i can't tell if my patience is waning or if it's completely gone.i thought it was infinite but it's not and it's struggling.

i just have to realize that i can't make everyone happy all the time...sometimes people want what you don't have. most of the time people want what you don't have.

no more compliance. no more appeasement. no more sadness. no more worrying.

no more back-n-forth to san jose. i'm tired of it. my cars totally busted. i guess it's tired of it too.

made me crazy

just keep occupied

i'm at work, the kid is asleep. its raining so hard outside. torrential proportions.

yesterday i asked carissa if she was noah because she wants to own a ranch in texas with two of each animal. she said no.

we've been trying to one-up one another with disgusting texts. i like this game.

some examples:
"twitter my tart taint"-carissa
"dick my right ovary"-me

we've been very imaginative with our approaches.

ima drive down for sourpatch practice tonight. then aunt charlies maybe.

i feel a hibernation coming soon. i want to hide.

the way home always is the same

i had a crush on my biology teacher in high school. she looked just like emiliana torrini. i made her food once...well it was for a project but whatever. she took a leave to get married and have a baby. double whatever.