send my roots rain

it was nice to get away from the bay and think about things separately. think about myself separately. my head feels clearer already.

so far: a beautiful drive down 101, a ridiculous euro trash hostel, a trip to the pound with tony and ebony where i met my new best friend duke, good food and kickin' it with one of the best people i know...jennifer!





also, i'm sad i had to say goodbye to my past life. i'm going to always miss everything, it's a given, it's just how some of us were made- made to always miss and always long for what is far away and out of reach. i hope that someday we'll be better like we always said, it would make me happy to see it. though i know things have changed drastically already between us and inside us.

we're still learning

nobody knows how to treat each other.

how to treat people and how to let people know how they should treat us. we're all in the dark.

but it's still lonely...all this learning...because we have to do it on our own. it's still hard. i'm still learning.

season

everyone we'll ever care for will fall asleep to us.

fuck

what the fuck am i doing?

theres something big missing. some big piece to this venture right now, that i really need.

i keep looking back for help but there is none. no proof that i am capable of moving forward effectively. these walls that i build between me and everyone else are great and getting greater, and they are indiscriminate...

and my hands still have little to offer all of the people i love, tho i want to give. it's my fault for thinking they want it...not everyone wants it. some people want to leave and they do what they want. i think i've forgotten how to do what i want...which is a big problem.

this repeated season is painful.

"i can woo a distant beauty, but hopeless missing always rules me. theres no invincible disguise that lasts all day. painful storms will always come to blur my way."

:)

things still excite me. now, let me tell you what they are.

transitory ("go find your roots")

i spent the last couple of days with a friend who's going to leave the bay. she reminded me that this feeling of floatation, of never really being fully able to identify with any community is always going to be something we must deal with.

when someone stupid told her to "find your roots", she responded with the fact that we were up-rooted long before birth, that our existence is part due to the loss of roots. our parents did all they could to forget where they came from for different reasons (violent pasts, poverty, guilt) and in the process left us as confused creatures.

so now we float, all of us, encountering people who will tokenize, misunderstand, generalize and drown us. never finding people who will know us for the detached wholes that we are. we both shared similar stories of never being properly understood culturally, of having settled for half-truths about ourselves, settled for other peoples' versions of who we are.

my friend is the last installment of a mass exodus from the bay and from my house that started months ago. she made me realized that i'm going to miss living with the detached wholes that i've grown to love this year. with the kids who know they don't belong anywhere, not even the places they were born. kids who can't tell you exactly where they're from when you ask, who's parents forgot themselves, who constantly fluctuate and proudly bend the boarders of our communities in order to live truthfully.