today: i can't see over

i'm discouraged.

i feel like noone shows/gives enough for me to feel anything but apathy. i can't fix anything, i can't take or throw anything away for you. i am not who you think i am(that is: who you'd like me to be, who you've made-up in your head) and most people will and do figure it out...firgure out that i'm a stupid just like the rest.

but it's not fair to make someone live up to expectations you've made up for them in your head. it's not fair to think of someone as exisiting only for you...

i'm just another person to add to a list of people who exist for you.
i'm just another excuse.
i'm too convient.
i'm too willing.
i'm so emptied.
i'm so replacable.
i'm nothing special. nothing you haven't seen before.
and i'm definitely not enough to make anyone stay or stick around.

does it make sense? who cares...

the walls i greet

i feel like no matter where i turn i'm met with an obsticle.

i wish i could see the light at the end of the tunnel but all i see is a bunch of black. for now i'm ok with things being big 'up-in-the-air's and being mysteries, but i'm not ok with the all the weight. i think i might be breaking. i can't tell because i'm always under all of it, i'm always carrying all of it.

i guess we'll see what the damage is once all the weight lifts.

education

janitor

everything is stressful and everyone feels destructive/destroyed. i feel spent. i know i can't keep picking up pieces to shit that's not mine. it's a bad habit from way back before i even knew what shit was. now i think some people just expect it outta me. it makes me tired.

it doesn't have to be so complicated, it's really simple. at least most of it seems that way from where i am. i cannot be left with a mess (literally or figuratively) everytime someone decides to leave my life or that it's too much for them. it's gonna break me.

sammie's birthday card

carissa and i are headed down to san jose to rage for sammie's b-day...


she just moved into our house and has colonized my bed in the name of all that is gay. it's cool as long as she keeps making me laugh hysterically, which she's good at...



my job search is looking up, so i'm not as stressed about much 'cept for house stuff.

but yay for b-days!

no such thing as hearts

it's such a weird time. i'm excited tho. i've made a decision to not say any 'goodbyes' because i wouldn't mean them if i said them.

oh and also....

i think i do believe in hearts and that they're beneficial. which is a good thing because for a second there i had my doubts.


i'm most looking forward to tour in novemeber and my new jobs that'll help me get there. sourpatch supremacy.

bullshit

fuck yr queer superiority. 

it makes me so disgusted to be told that i'm not conducting my life as i should, that my identity is in question because yr 'hurt'.

and it makes me even more disgusted to know this is the last impression i will have of you. 

it was such a mistake and a waste of time to be sad about this.