losing race

i will always feel inadequate.

is what it is

i'm working three 11 hour days this week. but this kind of work is so slow. while i'm waiting for the paloma to wake up from her nap so that we can take a walk (it's finally sunny!) i am writing this blog, making a list of important things to do, listening to old stuff that reminds me of still living in san jose, and trying to learn more about small business.

small business: makes me think about this friend i had in high school, kendall. she was a cheerleader and pretty in the way that those girls in high school are (boys were into it in that way they thought they had to be). she always dated the lamest idiots tho, and her parents had a really nice, art deco house with a pool, pool table, colorful artsy furniture and lots of good food. her mom would get really drunk and fall in love with everyone and her step dad thought he was still 25. i used to go to her house and download music on her computer, eat fancy leftovers and sometimes she'd come with me to shows because she was nice to me even though i hated myself and didn't drink or like parties. anyways...small business reminds me of her because she's going to school for business. she wanted to own a hotel. now, at the time i thought it was a weird idea for a 17 year old to have, but she was such a smarty.

last night after work, i went home and tried to work on a song i've been writing on theo's 4track. it's kinda about how i think everyone is better than me and also about my inability to stand up for myself in most of my close relationships. its gonna be gooooood (which by my standards is pretty alright). business is all about exploiting the assets of others' as well as yr own and i consider some of my shortcomings assets for the experience of learning.

songs that remind me of san jose:

when hearts turn blue- calvin johnson feat. mirah
hallah- mazzy star
ageless beauty- stars
loose- dear nora
whichever way the wind blows- dear nora
fuck treasure island- scout nibblet
i walk alone- mecca normal
my favorite chords- the weakerthans
as it is- klang

and other gay shit that i can't name cuz the babys up. to be continued, i guess if i get around to it....

these are the best days

Sourpatch - Toothache from hector esqueda on Vimeo.


Sourpatch-fun from hector esqueda on Vimeo.

evolution

it didn't seem like such a drastic decision at the time. it must have woven itself completely through my head because it would not unfurl, no matter how hard i pulled. it called from inside me... but it was faint at first; it rarely called me and i rarely called back. i did so only to hear the upset, the response of hearts unsettling after years of restlessness, or to reach back to ancient family calamities and the sound of their bodies rustling for attention, shooting arrows, howling chants and fighting aimlessly. all the signs (inside) of civil war.

and in the panic, i was that raft, to carry all of yr ancient secrets home from battle. i did not sleep for years, the weight and pain were so immense. i floated heavy and could not lift a hand to protest, nor my feet to escape. i was sinking...

slowly.

and that is where she found me deflated. on the bank of isolate days, on top of dead leaves shed like skin. autumn found me falling, she found me growing. and through the trees i felt her whispers. she rustled something eventful. something like: "you must be moved!" almost shouting.

and i was moved. but never did i once flinch.

project! project!

i like sylvia because sylvia gets it. and she sends me shit about it.

send my roots rain

it was nice to get away from the bay and think about things separately. think about myself separately. my head feels clearer already.

so far: a beautiful drive down 101, a ridiculous euro trash hostel, a trip to the pound with tony and ebony where i met my new best friend duke, good food and kickin' it with one of the best people i know...jennifer!





also, i'm sad i had to say goodbye to my past life. i'm going to always miss everything, it's a given, it's just how some of us were made- made to always miss and always long for what is far away and out of reach. i hope that someday we'll be better like we always said, it would make me happy to see it. though i know things have changed drastically already between us and inside us.

we're still learning

nobody knows how to treat each other.

how to treat people and how to let people know how they should treat us. we're all in the dark.

but it's still lonely...all this learning...because we have to do it on our own. it's still hard. i'm still learning.