as the wind

big plans scare me but i'll get thru this

all crushed out on the way you are

so much gets lost in translation. so much about the way that i really feel.

i wish i could just rip everything wide open and let it show.

Auguste Comte

this man introduced an idea very old to the world but still very new to our brains. it deals with a behaviour in an individual that increases the fitness of another while decreasing their own fitness. (altruism) when i talk about "fitness" i mean in evolutionary terms.

altruism is simply self-sacrifice for the well-being of the whole, of another or even of an individual from another species. it accrues all the time in nature. like, for example, when an individual bee stings a predator for the sake of the whole hive. the bee dies, the hive is spared. we realise that this behavior is against all that has kept the bee alive and thriving up until this point but that this behavior is also innate. and completely selfless.

there is a movement to overcome individual fitness and focus on a higher well-being that has lasted as long as the world has supported life. and, i believe, it requires almost less over-all effort to achieve. most would disagree with me and here is why:

it is so easy to be selfish because some believe that selfishness is the only and/or best means of survival. however, selflessness has lasted in evolution just as long (if not longer) than selfishness. understand?

this idea means that selfishness is not the only human function of survival. it means that we cannot use human nature as an excuse for being shitty people anymore. conversely, it can explain why we may think people are being shitty to us.

if you think of these social constructions as purely evolutionary and not just humane tactics, than there are real reasons for why people act the ways that they do. if yr smart enough to understand that the realms of which we base our interactions upon are much, much broader than we ever thought...than, you can understand that morality and evolution (in a sense) can and do go hand in hand. there is less of a disconnect.

big bad beautiful you

when i was eighteen and very confused, i fell in love while listening to the clueless soundtrack; hearing my friend sing just like matt caterer. she could sing exactly like anyone she wanted, it always amazed me and made me laugh so hard. summertime was all about hopeless pop songs and ruining perfectly good friendships.

and now that i'm twenty-two, i'm pretty sure it's still about that.








we listened to these songs on the way back from a show last month while i drove her car in the completely wrong direction than home. it's rare that we get to do that anymore, but there's always an understanding when we do. we can talk through songs.

some things make me believe that i'll never become jaded, like the way i'll always be hopelessly in love with everyone. i'd rather have every single thing hurt me forever than pretend like i'm better than pain, or pretend like i don't have feelings at all. it doesn't make you anymore grown-up or stronger.

beautiful people

british television can often times be life changing...

take care

last night i went to bed to the sound of nina simone floating through my bedroom wall, an incoherent argument of a hoeish nature outside my window and habebe knocking angrily at my bedroom door. it's not that i didn't want to hangout with her, it's just that i know if i had opened the door she wouldn't have be able to decided to stay or leave. i was already half passed out. there are those rare times that i have no energy for indecisiveness, especially if it belongs to other people. it was so early, i was sleepy and i wished there was someone to sleep next to.

i have really bad nightmares every night now, some i remember but most i don't. last night's dreams were so bad that they woke me up three times. i tried to call people i knew might be up or might pick up but no one did. i'm kind of glad because i wouldn't have known how to explain myself. it's something i'm bad at.

i have a lot of things to take care of today but i don't want to do any of them. sometimes i wish someone could take care of me, like really just take care. it's not that i'm falling apart or that i ever have fallen apart to the point incapacitation, but it'd be nice to have help. i'm overwlemed.

after all

maybe we revisit things until we get them right. and hurting serves as learning.

but i don't really want to go through it again and i think it's unnecessary. i did it once and i know the landscape. i don't need to go it again to learn, i know enough. i know too much.

and i don't want to play these games, they aren't interesting.