overcoming fitness

somedays i feel more obliged than others, thats just how i am made. i feel constraints beyond my means and i see no part of the immideate that can service my ability to always be unrelatable.

somedays i feel more starry, more dizzy, more like i did the first time i met everbody. i can't ever discribe what goes on inside my heart but i know it's a good thing, usually.

the shoe fitting is not the case, and i never want it to be the case. i know what i want and when i want it, i trust myself enough to know how to react now, to know that there is nothing in my make-up that dictates my ability to "relate". i can do whatever i like and it's not my problem who "gets me" and who doesn't, who's "figured me out" and who hasn't.

for a while i was looking for a place to fit and to stay forever. i'm not anymore. it's a lie, it doesn't exist.

now i know.

i cannot make my home out of another turtle's shell.

coooool-uh

i quit coffee

but only for a little while. also, i'm working out so that i can feel more like a beefcake and less like a cupcake. i hope it works!

i've been hiking, running(ahhh!!), doing yoga, palates and working out with this guy's videos...



meet mitch gaylord. he's an olympic gold metal gymnist and an inspiration to fat asses like me. and i'm pretty sure he's been in soft-core movies too...the family i work for has his dvd and i've been working out while the baby's fast asleep...she'd probably be disappointed if she knew what i was doing while she slept. so would most of my friends. whatever.


also, i've been in love with kate bush since before i fogot i wasn't a boy. she's wonderful. paloma and i have been listening to her all day long. i don't know if she's really that into it, but i don't care...what does she know.

beat red

it took me a whole day to make, sitting in my room listening to a valentine's day mix. i stuffed it with old t-shirts and it wasn't quite anatomically correct but i'm sure my heart looks similar. the picture was taken at lost weekend before they decided to take out their photobooth. i miss that photobooth and the things that happened in it.

i wish i had put a locator chip in that heart.

listen

i forgot about this song until rich played it on the way to portland a while back.

nothing goes away the way we want it to.

AND i get paid

paloma's been singing to me all day today, she has the prettiest voice ever. i think she's making up for all the singing i've done for her since we've met. we take turns singing to each other now. she's growing so fast.

we like to laugh at each other and make fun of romeo (the house cat). he likes to look at us disapprovingly when we're playing and paloma yells at him. she doesn't like that he thinks he's better than us.



now she has the hiccups.

sloppy

last night was so weird.

i went to a dance party at farley's (?) that this kid bert told me about and there were a bunch of old people dancing like toddlers. carissa came with me and pretended to be my boyfriend because it was fun. she kept calling me 'babe' and stuff.

it was weird being in potrero hill. i never really noticed until going back to farley's. so many things happened in that neighborhood that wont ever happen again. no more house coffee outtings, no more working for the hughes, no more meeting up after work, no more stealing lunch from whole foods (well i'm not so sure), no more walks up and down the hills with the monsterous twinnie stroller (thank god), or looking out the third story at night and seeing downtown lit up all crazy. it's a strange feeling.

bert let me wear a green sequence hat with the letters "A K A" on it because i told him i wasn't wearing anything green (i didn't care). i told him the hat probably wouldn't fit my head but he put it on anyway. ashley wanted to meet up in the castro so we did that after.

i've realized that all the girls who go to various "lady's nights" around san francisco are all weird drunk girls. they're funny to watch but "lady's night" is just too annoying for me to deal with. and i know i'm stupid for even going out.

ashley made her friend cry for a reason i'm still not sure of, they made out on the dance floor and then there were tears. i don't unstand it, everytime i'm around a lesbian there are always tears! a boy told me i should have pointy ears because i look like an elf and a girl asked for my number and kept touching my thighs and up my skirt :( and carissa cried on the way home (also for a reason i'm not sure of).

i got to bed a 2am, carissa jumped into bed with me and the last two things i heard before i passed out was sobbing and billie holiday on my record player... and then i had to wake up at 5:30 for work. moral of the story is i'm tired...