friday, i am so very glad to see you

paloma is going to be one year old in a week! i can't believe it, she was a little blob when i started working for the Innes'...now she's going to be a little girl and i got to see it all! i feel so privileged ( as corny as it sounds).

i worked 50+ hrs this week! i'm so excited for my pay...i spent all my computer savings on the tour van for sourpatch's "west coastuur" a few weeks ago but i'm on my way to saving more...woooooooohooooooo!



yesterday afternoon i came home to smoke billowing out of our house...

i parked a little down the street and was collecting some posters i made for try the pie shows and other stuff out of my car when i found mandi's debt card and rachel's tights in my car. i proceeded to call rachel and tell her. when she answered the phone i noticed that sarah (our newest housie) came running outside the house with meatloaf (her dog friend). at first i thought nothing until i noticed smoke and then noticed her frantically trying to get neighbor's attention. all i could say when rachel answered her phone was "my room's on fire...". she was very confused and then i said "shit..." and told her i'd call her back. haha.

i ran to see what was going on.

i noticed theo was calling 911 already so i ran into the house after sarah and asked her. everyone was really frantic so i stayed calm and made sure everyone was ok. she told me it was fet's room downstairs so i ran out the back and down to the back patio. he was trying to put the fire out with buckets and trash cans full of water. i ran in not thinking and realized it was way worse than i thought. none of us really should have been going back in there. i told them we should probably stop going in and the fire people showed up in their fire people gear.

all the while i called jackie (go-between landlord) and told him what was up. he was very little help so i hung up on him haha.

when the fire first started, sarah went to ask the Filipino lady next door for help and she just yelled at us for "smoking in the house" (?) and the people who live in the rooms there just closed the windows when sarah and fetish yelled for help (haha) i know i shouldn't laugh but it's just too ridiculous to me.

that lady hates us for no reason and i think was very upset that the house didn't burn down or that noone was hurt. she doesn't worry me at all but theo hates her guts. i just know theres little you can do about a very angry, old, brown woman who hates you except to just let her talk herself tired.

we're gonna clean and make repairs. orson knows a butchie named barbie who'll help us with drywalling in exchange for housing :). jackie says he has a "windows friend" who'll help us out for cheap too. i called him back after everything calmed down, i told him fetish lit a candle that accidentally started the fire and he said "oh.. that guy....jeeez" and then laughed....hahaha. he didn't care.

i'm very happy we can stay even though we almost burned the house down

i'm gonna buy extinguishers and more smoke alarms today, maybe even come up with a lil emergency plan because we have too many people in that house not to have a plan at all.

i'm glad it's the weekend, this weeks been interestingly exhausting.

vulnerabilities

i'm tired of playing weak to yr strong. i need to be stronger.

i'm starting to fall to pieces. i'm searching for support but not sure if i take too much. some people seem indifferent.

i'm doing the best i can on my own to make it better, i'm getting rid of things i don't need and keeping the important things. a lot of things will be cut, it will be hard but feel good once i've finished.

as the wind

big plans scare me but i'll get thru this

all crushed out on the way you are

so much gets lost in translation. so much about the way that i really feel.

i wish i could just rip everything wide open and let it show.

Auguste Comte

this man introduced an idea very old to the world but still very new to our brains. it deals with a behaviour in an individual that increases the fitness of another while decreasing their own fitness. (altruism) when i talk about "fitness" i mean in evolutionary terms.

altruism is simply self-sacrifice for the well-being of the whole, of another or even of an individual from another species. it accrues all the time in nature. like, for example, when an individual bee stings a predator for the sake of the whole hive. the bee dies, the hive is spared. we realise that this behavior is against all that has kept the bee alive and thriving up until this point but that this behavior is also innate. and completely selfless.

there is a movement to overcome individual fitness and focus on a higher well-being that has lasted as long as the world has supported life. and, i believe, it requires almost less over-all effort to achieve. most would disagree with me and here is why:

it is so easy to be selfish because some believe that selfishness is the only and/or best means of survival. however, selflessness has lasted in evolution just as long (if not longer) than selfishness. understand?

this idea means that selfishness is not the only human function of survival. it means that we cannot use human nature as an excuse for being shitty people anymore. conversely, it can explain why we may think people are being shitty to us.

if you think of these social constructions as purely evolutionary and not just humane tactics, than there are real reasons for why people act the ways that they do. if yr smart enough to understand that the realms of which we base our interactions upon are much, much broader than we ever thought...than, you can understand that morality and evolution (in a sense) can and do go hand in hand. there is less of a disconnect.

big bad beautiful you

when i was eighteen and very confused, i fell in love while listening to the clueless soundtrack; hearing my friend sing just like matt caterer. she could sing exactly like anyone she wanted, it always amazed me and made me laugh so hard. summertime was all about hopeless pop songs and ruining perfectly good friendships.

and now that i'm twenty-two, i'm pretty sure it's still about that.








we listened to these songs on the way back from a show last month while i drove her car in the completely wrong direction than home. it's rare that we get to do that anymore, but there's always an understanding when we do. we can talk through songs.

some things make me believe that i'll never become jaded, like the way i'll always be hopelessly in love with everyone. i'd rather have every single thing hurt me forever than pretend like i'm better than pain, or pretend like i don't have feelings at all. it doesn't make you anymore grown-up or stronger.