beautiful people

british television can often times be life changing...

take care

last night i went to bed to the sound of nina simone floating through my bedroom wall, an incoherent argument of a hoeish nature outside my window and habebe knocking angrily at my bedroom door. it's not that i didn't want to hangout with her, it's just that i know if i had opened the door she wouldn't have be able to decided to stay or leave. i was already half passed out. there are those rare times that i have no energy for indecisiveness, especially if it belongs to other people. it was so early, i was sleepy and i wished there was someone to sleep next to.

i have really bad nightmares every night now, some i remember but most i don't. last night's dreams were so bad that they woke me up three times. i tried to call people i knew might be up or might pick up but no one did. i'm kind of glad because i wouldn't have known how to explain myself. it's something i'm bad at.

i have a lot of things to take care of today but i don't want to do any of them. sometimes i wish someone could take care of me, like really just take care. it's not that i'm falling apart or that i ever have fallen apart to the point incapacitation, but it'd be nice to have help. i'm overwlemed.

after all

maybe we revisit things until we get them right. and hurting serves as learning.

but i don't really want to go through it again and i think it's unnecessary. i did it once and i know the landscape. i don't need to go it again to learn, i know enough. i know too much.

and i don't want to play these games, they aren't interesting.